so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
