You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
