i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
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literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
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You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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