What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
