Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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