He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Randomize
