Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together