I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life