Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.