What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
