So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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