Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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