Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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