Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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