My liver just broke up with me...
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
