I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
