Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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