You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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