how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
