there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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