somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
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