I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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