grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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