I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He? As in you personified your dick?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
