no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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