just tell him i said nine months
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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