Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
