8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
