i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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