Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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