Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
