FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
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DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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