He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
