Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
