He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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