We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
