at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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