Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
