This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
