My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
