I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
