It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Sext me about skeletons
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