Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wish i was in the wii world.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
