I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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