I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
