I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
