So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
