quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
