If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
