Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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