I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
