Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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