I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
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The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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