I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
