Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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