I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
